For a long time my go-to advice for someone who over-gives was some version of set a boundary, say no more, protect your time. And it never actually landed, because the people this shows up for aren't missing information about boundaries. They already know they should say no. Knowing that has never been the problem.
What actually helped was a different set of questions entirely. Not what should I say no to, but what's actually in my control here, and what isn't. Not how do I stop doing so much, but how do I actually want to show up, on purpose instead of on autopilot. And not what would a person with better boundaries do, but who do I want to be in this, specifically, if I were actually choosing.
This week's episode walks through what that can look like for someone who's been her family's early warning system since she was the oldest kid in the house, the one who caught problems before they happened and still got handed the cleanup every time something fell apart anyway.
The Science:
There's a fourth stress response beyond fight, flight, and freeze, called fawn, appeasing your way out of a threat instead of fighting or fleeing it. Becoming agreeable, compliant, small, so the danger passes you by. It isn't weakness and it isn't a personality trait, it's a strategy that worked once. The nervous system learned the lesson and kept running it long after the original reason for it was gone, which is why over-functioning can look nothing like passivity from the outside and still be the exact same mechanism underneath.
Try This:
A fillable version of this week's exercise, What's Actually Yours to Carry.
Think of a relationship or situation where you keep ending up in the same exhausting pattern, over-giving, over-managing, over-explaining.
_______________
Step 1: What's actually in your control here, and what isn't? Someone else's behavior never is. Your own response is.
In my control: _______________
Not in my control: _______________
Step 2: How do you actually want to show up in this, not from guilt, not from fear of what happens if you don't, on purpose?
_______________
Step 3: Who do you want to be in this, not the fixer by default, who, actually, if you were choosing? What does that actually look like in practice?
_______________
Step 4: What's the one sentence you want ready for when you catch yourself slipping back into the old pattern?
_______________
Reflection: What is the status quo actually costing you in this relationship, and where might a real boundary be the thing that brings you closer, not further apart?
Work with Me: I take on a small number of coaching clients. If you've been reading this newsletter and the same question keeps surfacing, there's a next step available. The first step is a free discovery session.
Have a question you want me to dig into? Reply to this email or DM me on Instagram.
I'm in it with you.
Ilana