There was a period in my life where I genuinely couldn't tell you what I wanted for dinner.
Not in a "nothing sounds good" way. In a deeper, more disorienting way. I had spent time in a situation where my preferences weren't really the point. And somewhere in that, I stopped knowing what they were.
I remember standing in my kitchen, lights on, staring at my fridge, and feeling completely blank. Nothing was landing.
A friend tried to help. She said: start with easy questions. Tea or coffee. Oceans or mountains. Just answer.
Those questions weren't easy for me. That was the first signal that something had gone missing.
The signal was still there. I don't think it ever goes away. But it had gotten super weak, and I really couldn't hear it.
The moment I noticed the thread coming back wasn't dramatic. It was at a restaurant, months later. Someone asked what I wanted. And I just knew. Without running it through anything. Without checking if it was the practical choice or the reasonable choice.
I knew. And I noticed that I knew.
That was the beginning of trusting it again.
This week's episode is about that. About the difference between what you actually want and what you've spent a long time learning to want. And about why "I don't know what I want" can sometimes be less about confusion, and more about a thread that's gotten very thin.
The Science:
There's a concept in psychology called the overjustification effect.
When you start doing something because you genuinely want to, the internal motivation runs the show. You're drawn to it because something in you finds it meaningful or interesting or satisfying.
But when external reasons start doing the motivating work, a quiet shift happens. You're doing it for the reward, the approval, the version of yourself that gets to say you chose this. And over time, the internal signal, the one that said "I actually want this," gets harder to hear.
I think something similar happens to desire when it gets filtered for long enough. It doesn't disappear. It just gets quieter. Until someone asks what you want and the honest answer is: I'm not sure.
The path back isn't to force the answer. It's to make the internal signal easier to hear again. One small, honest question at a time.
Try This:
This is the exercise from this week's episode. I'm including it here because I think it's easier to do with something in front of you.
It's called a want without why list.
Write down things you want. No justifications. No "but that's not realistic" or "eventually, maybe." You don't have to explain any of them.
It can be small. It can be enormous. It can be completely contradictory (you can want to live completely off the grid and also want a reality TV show, and that's fine). You're not making decisions. You're finding out what's there when you stop editing before you've even started.
Ten minutes. No phone. Write "I want" at the top and go.
The reflection question for the week: when was the last time you let yourself want something all the way through without immediately checking if it was realistic?
Work with Me: I take on a small number of coaching clients. If you've been reading this newsletter and the same question keeps surfacing, there's a next step available. The first step is a discovery session.
Have a question you want me to dig into? Reply to this email or DM me on Instagram.
I'm in it with you.
Ilana